


with all my breath (the significance of string lights)

by danverspotsticker



Series: buffy femslash month 2019 [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/F, domestic lesbian witches with mental illness, what more could you want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21621625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danverspotsticker/pseuds/danverspotsticker
Summary: willow is in love with tara. some days it doesn't feel like enough. tara proves that it is with the help of their daughter.
Relationships: Tara Maclay/Willow Rosenberg
Series: buffy femslash month 2019 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1558270
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18
Collections: Extra Flamey





	with all my breath (the significance of string lights)

Sometimes Willow regrets how long it took her to get here. Hates herself for the years it took for her to fix some of her issues and to heal from others. How long it took for her to apologize to Tara for Tara and not just in the hopes that it would mean forgiveness. She believes everything happens for a reason and she’s happy and in love and doesn’t think she’ll ever come down from here. But, she still wishes there could’ve been a way for her to maybe not be so consumed by her own problems that she didn’t recognize that she was becoming one for all her friends and Tara. 

Still, she realizes the past is the past and there’s nothing she can do to change that. That doesn’t stop days that weigh on her like solid bricks from coming, though. Luckily for her, she has a wife who spends those days reminding her how far she’s come. Who reminds her of the three years she’d spent working with the Devon Coven on control and that while doing that she’d created a spell to give vampires their souls back without a curse. 

Tara reminds Willow of all the good things that came out of the choices she made and how different life could be without those choices. Even then, some days it doesn’t help and all Willow can do is lay in bed and think of nothing and everything all at once while she drowns in guilt for feeling so sad with such a good life.

Tara still seems to know what to do on these days. Usually all she can do is tell her she loves her and brush her hair for her and kiss her before she goes to work for the day because Willow’s depression doesn’t exactly fit Tara’s work schedule. But on days like today, when Willow is exhausted and weighed down on the weekend, Tara buckles in for a day in bed. 

She makes funny shaped pancakes but never smiley faces on these days because she knows it just makes Willow feel patronized. She throws the softest blankets in their house in the dryer for a short spin so that Willow can wrap up in the warmth. Willow might be biased when she says she has the best wife but on her bad days Tara makes sure that Willow still believes it. 

Today is bad though; bad like Willow can’t open her eyes without shuddering breaths and tears. Like she can’t kiss Tara without pulling away. And Willow knows, she knows, she knows, she knows that this is all what Tara wants. But she remembers the bramble and fights and words she knew would hurt the places that Mr. Maclay and Glory had already weakened. 

Willow knows how to be manipulative and it works well when she’s doing Scooby stuff or at work trying to sell computer software. It’s not when she shifts into it at home, which she doesn’t anymore. Not after her and Tara had broken up all those years ago. She still feels it creep up her spine sometimes though, like the nasty habit it is and she drowns in the grief that it’s a habit she has at all. 

Tara reminds Willow of all the love she has for her on days like today, knowing it’s futile but wanting Willow to know that whenever she decides she deserves it, she’ll be there to tell Willow she loves her.

They’ve talked about therapy and Willow’s gone but her two options are either lying to a therapist about what her nightlife is like or her wife being her therapist and neither are ideal. They’re working on a solution but today’s, Tara decides, will be rest and snuggles and things that make Willow smile on the days when smiling doesn’t feel impossible.

So, when Willow falls into a restless sleep again, Tara goes digging into the closet looking into the boxes of decorations that she had planned on digging out just next weekend. When she finds what she’s looking for she quickly untangles them before dragging them back to the bedroom but upon hearing familiar sounds, reroutes her path to the room on the left before their bedroom. Dropping the object of her search lightly on the floor next to the door, she heads towards the crib. As she lifts the babbling child she speaks, “Hey, beautiful, what’s wrong.”

She receives no response except the redhead’s grunt muffled by where she has implanted her face into Tara’s shirt. “Awe, were you lonely, Jess?”

She feels Jess move her head against her shoulder, “Maaa.”

“Oh, I see. I’m the second rate mother now.” As she rubs her nose against her face, Jess starts giggling. 

Tara starts to make her way out of the room with Jess in her arms and quickly stops to swoop up the lights that she had dropped by the door. As soon as Jess sees them, her small hands starts smacking together despite the still sleep-hazy look on her face. 

“You really are your Ma’s daughter, you know?” Tara receives a miniature resolve face in response and smiles, leaning her head down to kiss the curls atop Jess’ head.

As she enters her room she whispers to Jess, “Ma is asleep right now so you’re gonna have to be super duper quiet, do you think you can handle that missy?” 

Wide blue eyes stare back at her, “Ma.”

“Yes, you’re getting her in a very quick second.” Tara once again sets the lights down lightly, avoiding any clattering noise before softly kissing Willow’s temple as she lays Jess on the large bed next to her. 

“Sweetie, Jess was also feeling down and lonely so she’s been relocated to our room for the day, I hope that’s okay.”

Tara doesn’t get much more of a response than Willow leaning over to rest her nose above their daughter’s head and a mumbled “Hmm… Jess hair.” Which Tara has chosen to take as an affirmation. 

As Willow lightly dozes and their daughter tells the two of them nonsensical stories that are a combination of the few words she manages and babbling, Tara goes about stringing the lights around the room. She’s careful not to make too much noise or movement.

As she starts to put the final strands up she hears the quiet breaths that come with Jess’ sleep and Willow speaks in a gruff and tired voice, “I think I heard the word horny a couple times in those stories. Stop letting Faith babysit our daughter unattended.” 

It’s a playful comment but Tara still hears the weight reflective of Willow’s guilt in her voice. 

Tara still laughs and watches as Willow hums in response to the sound, somehow always shocked that the love here is mutual. That Willow loves Tara’s laugh as much as Tara loves her’s. 

She turns towards the bed, “She’s asleep now, right?”

Willow nods, “Yup, sleeps like a log. Just like her Momma.”

Tara playfully rolls her eyes, “Please, Will. She’s all you.”

“Oh?”

“Of course, her hair and her smile. The way she _never_ stops talking.” Tara shakes her head like it’s obvious.

Willow snorts at the comment, “ _Rude_.”

Tara smiles anyway, “It’s a compliment. It takes guts to talk. She also has your resolve face by the way. She’s gonna be hell as a teenager.”

Willow pauses, thinking about the future and the amazing daughter and wife that she gets to have in her’s “Hmm, maybe. She’s still very much you, too. She’s got your eyes and your laugh and she always cries when she sees someone else upset, which is all your heart, Maclay.”

Tara clambers nearer to the bed and smirks at Willow, “That’s Rosenberg-Maclay to you.”

“Yes, how could I forget.” She closes her eyes as she is reminded of the fact that Tara is her wife. It’s been six years since they’d gotten married, an additional three to that since they’d gotten engaged, but Willow still finds herself blown away by reminders that Tara is her’s.

Tara sits down on the edge of the bed to comb her hands through Jess’ hair. “I still don’t know where these curls came from, though.”

Willow smiles as she wraps a finger through a particularly strong ringlet, “My dad had curls.”

Tara hums in agreement and goes to pull the curtains to the bedroom shut as a distracted Willow plays with a sleeping Jess’ curls. As soon as the curtains are fully closed, the room is plunged into darkness. “Hey, Tare. I know I told you I was feeling dark today but I didn’t mean it literally.”

Tara stumbles a little to the outlet as her eyes adjust and quickly plugs in the lights she had hung up while Willow was asleep and distracted by Jess. “Of course not, silly.”

Willow gives an exhausted half-smile, all she can usually manage on these days. “Oh, pretty. What’s the occasion? I thought decoration weekend was next weekend.”

Tara blushes, ducking her head in a movement that she rarely does now. “Baby, please don’t hide your face.”

She lifts it again and Willow barely notices through the darkened room as a blush graces Tara’s cheeks and ears. “I, uh. I remember when you’d come to my room before you admitted you liked me you told me the string lights always made you feel cozy and at home and I know there isn’t much I can do right now that will actually help so I figured coziness would help at least a little.” 

Willow looks at Tara how she always looks at Tara, like somehow she’d been graced with the ability to marry a goddess on Earth. Except this time tears accompany her eyes. “Oh! Will, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you!”

Willow looks exasperated at her, “Baby, I’m not upset. I’m just amazed and so so happy that I get to call the most beautiful woman in the world my wife.”

Tara smiles shyly, “Oh, well…”

Willow shakes her head smiling, “No ifs, ands, buts or wells about it! Your heart is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever come in contact with. Not to mention your rocking bod.”

Tara laughs, “You’re such a dork.”

Willow reaches out to grab Tara’s hand, pulling her closer. “Your dork.”

Tara leans over Willow on the bed to kiss her softly as she nods. “My dork.”

Tara moves to lay in the bed next to Willow, carefully adjusting Jess to lay her on her chest without waking her. They spend what feels like hours like that, Willow drifting in and out of sleep while Tara traces the lines of her face with her eyes, only moving when Jess requires it. The next time Willow wakes up, Tara is staring at her. “Watching me while I sleep? That’s a little creepy.”

Tara’s eyes are soft as she looks at her, “I’m so in love with you.”

Willow blushes like it’s the first time she’s heard the words. “I’m in love with you, too. Any specific reason?”

Tara shakes her head, “All the same ones as the day I met you and the day I married you and the day we had Jess.”

Willow leans her forehead against Tara’s as she whispers, “Ditto.” 

Tara’s lips meet hers and Willow smiles into the kiss. She doesn’t pull away. “A day in bed with my girl while my woman proves once again that she is the love of my life has turned out to be very good medicine.”

Tara smiles widely, “Feeling better?”

Willow nods, “Mostly. Still questioning whether I deserve you but mostly just really really grateful that you chose me.”

Tara looks seriously at Willow, “I’d do it again in every single life.”

“Me too.” Her hand wraps around Tara’s wrist and eventually entwines itself with the blonde’s hand.

Willow looks at Tara as she softly walks her free hand up and down their daughter’s back. “It’s been over a year and sometimes I still can't believe she’s ours.”

Tara nods, “Every morning when I wake-up and see her I’m just blown away. I just never thought I’d get here. Somewhere happy.”

Willow squeezes Tara’s hand and brings her palm to her lips, “I’m glad you got here.”

“Me too.”

As her mothers hold hands, Jess begins to stir in her sleep, kicking her legs out and whimpering.

Tara sighs at the sight, “Not even a Scooby yet and she already has nightmares.”

It’s a joke, nothing more is meant by it but both Willow and Tara think about it everyday, what it means that they have a daughter in a world that the two of them ensured would have as many slayers as possible. It’s a joke, but the weight of it is part of the soil that Willow rests under on days like today. But right now, she is feeling better, so we won’t discuss the details of that particular guilt.

Instead we’ll watch as Willow lightly strokes her index finger from the top of Jess’ forehead to the tip of her nose in a soothing motion and her legs stop kicking.

Tara smiles at the sight, “You always make her feel so safe, even with just a touch. That’s so special.”

Willow’s eyes have fallen shut again and it’s a tired tone when she mumbles, “Mmm, magic.”

“No, _Willow_. Magic is everywhere, you know that. But you’re you and I don’t think there’s another one of you anywhere in this world.” Tara says it like she’s blown away by the presence of just one Willow.

Willow opens her eyes to look at her wife. “Nope. I’m the only me in this world.”

Tara smirks, “Hmm, but there are hot leather wearing ones in others.”

Willow laughs, “Baby, our daughter is in this bed with us right now.”

“She’s too young to remember this.” And the look on her face darkens to one very familiar that makes Willow shift in the bed.

Willow smiles, exasperated, “Vixen.”

Tara snuggles as close to Willow as she can with a significantly large infant on her chest. She laughs deeply and Jessica smiles softly against her Momma. Later that day, Xander and Buffy will come with their families after receiving texts from Tara telling them that Willow is having a bad day and needs cheering up and Willow will be equally as grateful for them as she is for everyone else in her life. 

But, right now, feeling the touch of her wife’s hands in her hair and cuddling her daughter in the pale and yellow glow of the string lights Tara’s hung, Willow feels content and deserving of the life she has.


End file.
